• Discovery calls to discover your credit limit • SWOT analysis: Somehow We Owe Them • Turning your one-page brief into a ninety-slide obstacle • Strategic alignment with our payment schedule • Brainstorming things you already suggested • A roadmap with no irritating arrival date • Weekly meetings about reducing meetings • Action items assigned exclusively to you You bring the problem. We give it a more expensive name.
• Introductions to people we follow on LinkedIn • Name-dropping with impressive pronunciation • Platinum-tier access to our outbox • Custom proposals with your logo pasted over the last one • “Advanced discussions” with an unanswered email • Exclusive opportunities available to absolutely anyone • Partnership activation, pending an actual partner • Return on imagination reporting Our pipeline is full. Mostly of “just circling back.”
• Athlete representation from the comfort of the sidelines • Artist development into a recurring payment • Contract negotiations against your best judgment • Endorsement opportunities from brands we have heard of • VIP access to the regular entrance • Public relations, private explanations • Career management with several convenient exits We see your potential. More specifically, your earning potential.
• Digital exposure measured in tabs we left open • Broadcast opportunities during everyone’s bathroom break • Naming rights to the problem we created • Premium placement in our next proposal • Targeted campaigns aimed directly at Accounts Payable • Influencer outreach to our cousin with a ring light • Impressions that are mostly our first impression Reach millions.* *Of pixels. On our presentation screen.
• Logos that get bigger every time you ask why • Pitch decks with cinematic slide transitions • Stock photography of people appearing to collaborate • Proposals bound so beautifully you forget to read them • Sell sheets, buy excuses • Website copy with “synergy” in all the right places • Brand guidelines we will immediately disregard • Unlimited revisions to the estimated completion date If the strategy falls apart, at least the PDF looks expensive.